I’ve been drinking a lot of Arnold Palmer’s as of late. Do you know what they are? It’s that drink that is half lemonade and half iced tea. Arizona (the iced tea company) like made a deal with him some time ago and actually has a bottled Arnold Palmer drink with pictures of him, and his golf stats all over the can. I think the concept much classier than the rapper’s who have energy drinks and what not, because well, Arnold Palmer really did mix lemonade and iced tea when he was on the golf course (or if he didn’t, Arizona wrote a very convincing story that he did). I highly doubt Lil John had any say over the taste of his energy drink. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me that he’s never even tasted it. I mistakenly did once, and it was not good. If I were Lil’ John I would drink an Arnold Palmer over my own drink on any day.
In any case, I have been trying to discover my own drink, and it hasn’t been easy! I really think Mr.Palmer has the only combination that both a) didn’t exist before him and b) actually tastes good.
I tried Orange juice with cranberry, and that wasn’t good. Neither was orange and grape, and I was even adventurous and tried orange juice and sprite, and that was pretty gross. Orange juice doesn’t taste good with really anything, except Vodka. And Sparks kinda sorta already did that.
Cranberry juice already has several mixes out, like cran apple and stuff, so that’s out of the question. Cranberry juice, like orange juice, also tastes good with vodka. However, I think someone out there has drank a cranberry and vodka drink before.
Apple juice doesn’t taste good mixed with anything (except cranberry juice but apple-cran is not nearly as good as cran-apple and like I said before that’s already been done) and come to thin of it, apple juice doesn’t really taste good at all. It’s the kind of thing they fed me at snack break I went to Hebrew school back in the day.
Pineapple juice does taste kinda good with cranberry juice, but what kind of pussy drink is that- pineapple cranberry? I mean, do I look like a pineapple cranberry juice girl? That’s something Hillary Duff would have as her signature drink. Not me.
So I moved onto sodas. The diet-coke with lemon and lime thing was already done so, that was out of the question. Cranberry juice and Coke tastes good, but like… that’s pretty close to cherry coke so I can’t trademark that. Sprite and cranberry juice is pretty much a Shirley temple, sprite and orange juice tastes sort of like medicine, and sprite and pineapple juice tastes like good tasting medicine, but still medicine none the less.
Snapple has already beat me to mixing Iced tea with just about anything, from peaches to pears to apples to like, key lime pie. I think Arnold Palmer came out when Snapple had like 4 flavors. Damn that smart golfer! I hate him!
Anyways, so the moral of the story is… I can make something erotic out or the Exorcist, and I can parody a movie about gay people and replace them with hot girls and have the movie be revered by BOTH homosexual men AND heterosexual men, and women (*cough! it’s called porny monster). I can make a movie where me and Kylee and Sabrina take over the world in skimpy little outfits and dildos… and I did at one point, somehow, convince Larry Flynt to let me make movies…. and I did start a porn company with $400.
But I don’t think I can make a drink, and I also am terrible at golf.
So Arnold Palmer- I salute you!
So I am back in LA. I got back here a couple days ago. EH! That’s all I have to say- with a capitol E and a capitol H.
This morning I went to the XBIZ office (if you don’t know what XBIZ is it’s an adult news magazine and it’s also a website) because I was asked to do the "Booble Porn Minute." Basically, that’s a short clip they play on XFANZ.com that’s produced by Booble.com, that’s kinda like a silly news show that talks about porn and celebrity gossip- only the host does it topless- the way all news should be done!
So anyways, I was handed my little script when I got there and I read it over and I wasn’t really fond of the jokes that were written in. I thought to myself, if I’m going to be reading corny jokes about celebrities with my tits out on the internet, they damn well should be my own corny jokes and not someone elses!
I had to talk about a few things; A story about a stewardess who got fired for banging some actor in the airplane bathroom, some scientific study revealing that giving charity makes you horny or something, a celebrity couple that almost made a sex tape but didn’t, and of course, that Kim Kardashian sex scandal that everyone is talking about. I added my own little comments and responses. I would tell you what they were but they wouldn’t sound so funny out of context.
So it turns out I did a pretty damn good job, and the people at XFANZ told me I should do the show all the time. So I may very well be THE booble porn minute news caster woman. I think that would be pretty fun. I always wanted to be a wacky topless news- caster who doesn’t really talk about important news.
When It goes up on XFANZ I will let you know and you can see it in all it’s glory
Hey so, I’m not writing a metal album, and I had no idea who Amy Weinhouse was until today. However, I did go download some of her songs and for what it’s worth… I think she’s pretty good.
In any case, yeah… so this is all total bullshit. it’s funny because, I have read stuff about me that was fabricated… but never total lies. "Jewtastic" wins the prize for by far the biggest lie ever told about me and also, the most creative one.
so check it out, here it is:
The lovely brenda (aka "my valentine") has had a crush on her gynocologist for quite some time. It’s not a real crush, like she isn’t pro-actively trying to persue him… but she thinks hes hot, and wonderful. Apparently when she was pregnant and had no insurance and was going to these free clinics he would sneak her chart to the top of the pile so she wouldn’t have to wait in the room with all the crackheads and 14 year old pregnant girls all day. She has been smitten ever since.
In any case, one of the few things I missed while being stuck in New York (and as you know, New York is my favorite place in the world… so I’m not like, totally stuck… but the only reason I am here for as long as I am is because all the flightes were cancelled because of the snow) was a gynocologist appointment. It was supposed to be my annual exam, and it’s pretty important not to miss those when me and about 7 other employees all make a living off of my vagina.
So I asked Brenda if her gyno-lover could hook me up with a last minute appointment. This excited her, because she is always looking for an excuse to see him. A girl can only make so many excuses a year to go to the Gyno without it being totally weird. So she texted him at like, 11pm or something and he immidiately wrote her back and said he would see me. I need to find myself a gyno-lover too I think. I can get into a lot of parties and concerts without paying, or waiting on a line and yeah that’s cool and all, but this was seriously the best hook up I’d ever had. Most people have to make dr appointments like, months in advance.
So we took the subway, and then the path-train into Hoboken. We complained about it the whole time but it really wasn’t so bad. Apparently the dream boy gyno got transferred to Hoboken sometime in the last year or so. I got there and he checked me out, and then he checked Brenda out too even though she was just there like a month ago.
On the way home I stopped and got her a bagel with egg and cheese. So far Brenda has been my pseudo boyfried for about 3 days and I’ve spent a total of $28 on her, and one of those days was Valentines day so I really needed to splurge then. She’s a bargain. Damn it. Why do I keep talking about how much she costs. FUCK! I need to stop being so Jewish.