well first of all- happy rosh hashana everyone. i feel like a jerk because i have done nothing jewish at all this holiday. i am a jerk. i don’t really want to talk about it.
anyways, unfortunately this little clip was pre-recorded and I didn’t actually get to talk to them but I thought this was pretty funny.
Well my whole experience at Centerfolds in Sacramento- was so much fun! At first I felt pretty weird there, but after a few days I was totally addicted to my new feature dancing lifestyle- and so was Brian Street Team.
Brian Street Team was my um "roadie". Every porn star brings a roadie with them when they dance- I guess their job is to pick up your money off the stage, carry your bags, uhh… I don’t know. I guess in general it’s supposed to be a body guard but I am honestly not that famous, or that high maitnance so I don’t really need a body guard…. but I always need a handsome street-teamer/sometimes porn star by my side!
I actually am so glad I spent the whole weekend at a strip club for several reasons. For one… well.. the last year I stripped I was umm… well, I was under the influence of like, A LOT of drugs, and like… not green ones that you smoke. They were white ones that you snort. And sometimes they were even brown. Yikes.
Anyways, For some reason I have just associated strip clubs with drugs for the past few years and I assumed that any good strip club memories I had were not really fun times- they were just high-times. But I had a great time, and I was not high at all. I wasn’t even drunk- I had a few red-bulls and vodkas but like, Brian Street Team was the one who really over-did it on the alcohol. You know- the roadie… who was there to take care of me.
Well, yeah. So when you are a stripper, you have to spend most of your time on stage, or on the floor- hustling for lap-dances. It is not an easy task. It is mentally and physically draining and i have the utmost respect for all my stripper homies out there.
But when you are a feature dancer, you spend most of your time in the dressing room. Especially, a not so famous feature dancer like myself. I guess if I am famous one day, there will be a whole bunch of people at the strip club who are there to see me and I can spend my time in between shows giving lap-dances and taking photos and selling DVD’s and what not… as a feature, I am not allowed to "hustle", I kinda just have to stand there when I get off stage and if no one comes up to me after like 15 minutes I just go back into the dressing room.
Anyways- did you guys read my previous blog entry (not about travis barker but the one before that) about all the old school porn pictures in the dressing room? Here are a few of them. If you didn’t read my other blog entry- well- to sum it up- the dressing room was plastered in posters by all the girls who had featured there before. Apparently, girls have been feature dancing at this club for like 16 years and 16 years ago there were some funny hair-cuts in porn.
Here is the signed Jenna Jameson poster in there. Jenna I don’t care what the fuck you say or what you try and do- you are a fucking porn star. Stop trying to pretend you are anything else. Why don’t you start acting like the nice girl in this picture and stop acting like… I don’t know… a poor excuse for Paris Hilton?
See how sweet she was back in the day when she was like, you know… one of us? That bubbly hand-writing was just precious.
And here is some memoriabelia from some porn stars from the 90’s (or 80’s? I don’t really know) from people who never quite umm… made it as far as Jenna.
What do you think this woman would have said if someone would have told her when she danced there that 10 years later a girl who looked like ME would be hired to do the same thing she was?
I do think they sell her body suit thingy at American Apparael now though.
Ahhhh! And I had nightmares about this one.
I sure hope her first boy-girl scene went better than her hair-style
But this one was probably my favorite….
Anyways. Back to my story-
Here is me and Brian Street Team hard at work in the dressing room
I don’t smoke cigarettes but feature dancing was just sooooo stressful that I had to have a smoke
I look pretty cool right
Well anyways, after a few hours of hanging out in my sweatpants, and making fun of 90’s porn-star pictures, I decided to put one of my stripper outfits on. You’re not allowed to walk around the floor until you go on stage as a feature dancer, so between the time I put my outfit on till I needed to go on stage, I had some more down time. I think most features wear really intricate costumes so they actually need this whole time to change and get ready. I um… well I didn’t really. Maybe one day, I will dress like all vegas show-girl like and take my dressing room time more seriously. But until then, I will just kill time doing things like this.
Oh yeah- I also mentioend in my previous blog that I had to do a show at noon. Yup- I had to dance naked on a pole at fucking noon- during the lunch buffet. I thought you guys wouldn’t believe me- so I took a picture of myself on the way to the strip club in the afternoon. See- look at how noon-like it looks outside the window on my way to the club!
Blaaaah yeah. So after my big 15 minute show at noon on Friday, I went back to the hotel, took a nap- THEN I had to go do a store signing at the porn store adjacent to the strip club. It’s all kinda really part of the same building called the same thing and owed by the same person. Unfortunately, not that many people came to see me, which was moderately depressing…. but on the bright side, the die hard fans who did come to see me- were girls- and very cute ones at that- and here they are! Actually I don’t even know f all of them were die hard fans, but one of them definitely was- I think she dragged the other two along to see me. I am not 100% sure of this but that was sort of what I gathered. Anyways, here they are.
(the middle one was the die hard fan. if you are reading this- thank you very much for coming =) ) When I meet fans, I like to show them my boobs. I dunno. It’s the polite thing to do isn’t it?
Yeah. But anyways, after they left I was pretty bored at the porn store due to my lack of Sacramento fame- so Brian Street Team decided to be a good roadie and entertain me by trying on some of stripper clothes they sold at the store.
I tried to make him do the Belladonna butt trick but it didn’t work out so well. It takes a real man to try on stripper clothes!
Ummm yeah- this does’t have much to do with anything, but I took a picture of this box cover at the store becasue I really really think this man looks like Barak Obama. Don’t you? I swear I am not being a jerk and just saying that becasue he is a middle-aged black man- but really at a glance- it totally looks like Obama…. right?
Yeah. Well, it was not Obama. On the back of the box, there were a few more photos of him and he actually looked nothing like Obama. Whoever this guy is totally looks like Obama from this angel, when that girl is sitting in front of him like being romantic and shit.
Well anyways, here is me actually doing the job I was paid to do there… I totally forgot how to dance all sexy stripper fabulous. I need to practice my moves. I really did have a blast though- I hope anyone who came and watched me enjoyed yourselves.
OH! and that lovely fan who came into the store- well she saw MY boobs… so later on at the strip club, when I saw here there… I thought it was only fair to throw her on stage and show everyone her boobs and give her a well deserved cute girl fan lap-dance.
Umm… yeah, well the strip club served food, but only until about 10pm. I had to do a show at 1:30am, so by the time I got back to the hotel it was well after 3am. The club asked me if I wanted dinner before they closed and I said yes. I don’t really like eating before I have to go swing upside down on a pole, but I sure do like eating post-pole. So, between 10pm and 3am my dinner got cold. I had no microwave in my room… so when Brian Street Team and I got back to the hotel I asked the guy in the lobby if he could heat up my dinner in their microwave. He said they didn’t have a microwave anywhere in the lobby, but he would gladly give me a microwave to take up to my room. NOW I knew Brian Street Team had the potential to be a roadie, or else I wouldn’t have brought him with me- but this was some pretty amazing roadie shit. He managed to carry my stripper bag full of costumes, AND the microwave, and my stripper boots all up to my room at the same time. Lets give him a round of applause for being mr.roadie supreme!
At least he was rewarded the next day by a kind stripper grabbing onto his crotch.
and there you have it…. that was my fabulous weekend in Sacramento.
Thank you Gold Club for having me- I had a blast. And thank you to anyone who came out to see me. It meant a lot.
I believe I am dancing in Columbus in October so- hopefully there will be more adventures this time.
(i am totally not in the mood to spell check/ grammar check this so you’re going to have to live with an entertaining but sloppy blog entry)
so i am in a rush because i have to get ready for my dance gig tonight, but i just want to say, i am extremely upset about this unfortunate news I heard about Travis Barker. I think he is so incredibly talented, and I have desperately wanted to have sex with him since I was like, 11 years old.
If you haven’t heard the unfortunate news, you can read about it here.
Everyone say a prayer for him and lets hope he gets better.
Damn, I have been talking about prayers way too much lately in my blog. I think I am starting to creep myself out.
So when I first got my schedule for the weekend- I saw "12:00pm- Friday" on the sheet. I figured this meant midnight on Friday… I mean… 12:00pm really should mean midnight… especially for people who work at night. In fact I want to petition for noon to be AM and midnight to be PM. Who do I need to speak with about this? Shit is obviously a lot different now than when they invented the AM and PM laws.
But yeah…unfortunately, 12:00PM does in fact still mean noon, and I am in fact dancing naked on a pole at noon tomorrow afternoon- or today. Yeah. I don’t even know what else to say about this. My vagina is going to be served as part of the lunch buffet.
Deature dancing is interesting. I really have no idea what the hell I am doing. The girls at the strip club here are so insanely hot. Seriously…. like every stripper is beautiful- and they are also all very heavily tattooed. Like 8 of the girls working tonight had full sleeves… and chest pieces, and all sorts of other shit. It was kind of awesome… although in addition to the girls being very hot and very tattooed…. they are also pretty mean. Well- no. OK- I guess I deserve to be hated. I remember when I was a stripper- I always hated it when feature dancers came in. I mean…girls bust their asses at the strip club every night and the features just walk on in like they own the place and they get all the attention, and sometimes…. all the money. It’s awful. I tried to be humble but there isn’t much I can do. I know- I am the enemy. Maybe by tomorrow they will warm up to me a little bit.
I get my own dressing room. I feel like such a cunt. Seriously. I remember when I worked in Manhattan at a club the dressing room was the size of a closet and on Friday nightes like 80 girls had to share the space… and shit got ugly. It was totally survival of the fittest to try and get an outlet to plug your flat iron into. Here I have my own room, with like enough outlets to plug in a curling iron, a flat iron, hot rollers, a hair dryer…. etc. I could have potentially styled my hair in like 12 different ways and still have more outlets to spare.
The dressing room was filled with posters signed by all the porn stars who had featured there before. There were all these posters from the 90’s depicting girls with like double F sized fake boobs and crimped blond hair- posing in front of like, a bunch of different colored laser things. or lightning bolts.There was also a slew of 80’s and 90’s stars garbed in like, Egyption goddess cleopatra type gear.I dunno. The um… whole back to the future backdrop, and the plastic surgery chic look- you know, obviously,. it’s not my thing but like… I get it.The whole egyption thing though-yeah I don’t know about that. I have masturbated to the thought of licking Barbie’s vagina. I haven’t shared this same type of fantasy from any of the women in the 10 Commandments.
There was a signed old school poster of Jenna Jameson, from when she was…. you know, a porn star, who did porn. She wrote "Centerfolds- I had so much fun!!! I can’t wait 2 cum again =) – xoxo Jenna Jameson".
She wouldn’t be caught dead writing anything like that now, anywhere.
Well, I did my best to be as feature-tastic as possible. My first "show" I had like, a white trash ensemble…. you know… daisy dukes and wife beater and such… and I danced to like, Pantera, and some other shit. For second "show" I wore something all gold and sparkly and danced to like, hipster-ish kinda dance music… like the Ting Tings and The Knife. I kind of just want to dance in my pijamas and some flip-flops tomorrow at noon.
Brian Street team is passed out on the couch in my hotel room. He drank like 19 red bull and vodka drinks and puked int he toilet.I know that doesn’t have much to do with anything but I thought you should all know this.
anyways, if you’re in sacramento- please- come meet me at the lunch buffet! You can eat a burger while I give you a lap-dance. It will be awesome.
well first of all, thank you to everyone who came out to NY EXXXOTICA that was in New Jersey. It means so much to me to meet my fans…. seriously. Thank you so much. And all the girls were awesome! Thank you thank you BellaVendetta, Jessie Lee, Misti Dawn, Azrael, Draven, Morgan, and Mayhem. Jeeze. That’s a lot of hottness. I feel very honored to have you all on my website =)
And second of all, I don’t know where I got this uncanny ability to punch people but, I gave two people black eyes during strip for pain. I have no idea how I did that. A few people told me I punch like a dude. I have never gotten into a fight in my life. I think I should… now that I have full proof that I know how to punch. Although, I bet if I did get into a fight, that person would fight back…. and they probably wouldn’t be sitting still ready to accept my punch like they do at strip for pain. And I need to make porno movies- I can’t have a black eye. So if anyone out there wants to fight me while you sit in a chair and not fight back, BRING IT ON. I did get a message on myspace from someone telling me that the girls who work at the club where I am feature dancing tonight are all really bitchy. Maybe I should start a fight with one of them?
So yeah- I am in Sacramento now. For those of you who don’t know, I am feature dancing tonight. I should be making a dance mix right now, but I’m not. If anyone has any suggestions/requests as to what I should dance to tonight… please let me know!
Anyways, my mother got me a new suitcase that is gigantic so I could consolidate all my shit into two suitcases instead of three and get charged a retarded amount of money. Unfortunately though, my big suitcase was like 19 lbs over the limit and I have to pay the same amout for overage. I really need to learn how to pack better. I need a game plan for what the hell to do on my way home. So yeah… I checked two suitcases… one with all my shoes(oh yeah i forgot to tell you I purchased 4 new pairs of shes because of my whole shoe mis-hap– so in the shoe bag was 5 single shoes, and then four pairs of shoes). And yeah- OF COURSE- with my luck- the shoe bag is not with me right now. The big suitcase is…. it is stuck in airport land somewhere. I called the baggage locator hotline thing and they told me the suitcase will come sometime between 7:30 and 11:30pm… but I have to be at the strip club at 9pm. Should I tell the baggage people to meet me at the strip club instead of my hotel? Is that weird?
I don’t know if there is a god or not… but if there is- he definitely doesn’t want me wearing shoes.
(please read my previous blog entry to hear the begining of my shoe drama if this didn’t make any sense to you)
oh yeah- come see me dance please if you are in the area….